On Being Home
Now that I’ve been home for about two weeks (and haven’t posted a blog post in over a month), I thought it high time to write about being home and missing France. I do have a few other posts to write about, one focusing on the travels Jack and I had in our last few weeks and another wrapping up these past 8 months. But I’ve been missing France a lot and being home is weird, and I knew I would, so instead wanted to write about that first.
When I first set out to do TAPIF, I obviously did not anticipate to do it during a year with a global pandemic. On top of that, I did not anticipate the aforementioned pandemic going the way that it’s gone. I truly thought by spring/summer, things would have improved enough that I could travel around Europe after my teaching contract was over, with friends and family visiting me wherever I was. I knew the plan was law school in the fall (it still is), so I thought spending the summer beforehand traveling made a lot of sense. But with France being in less than great shape par rapport à la COVID and no one being able to visit me, it was kind of time to go home. Sadly enough, the day after my visa expired, France reopened outdoor dining and pushed the curfew to 9 PM. Alas. Timing is everything.
Now that I’ve been home for two weeks, I am missing France greatly (and I was right about all of the things I’d miss!). Even though I was excited to come home to iced coffee, sweetgreen salads, breakfast sandwiches, Apollo, and Gatsby, the novelty of those things all wears off pretty quickly. I had really adjusted to life in Avignon, and was so ready to see it full of life. And now that France is beginning to reopen, I’m having FOMO seeing those I know still there profiter-ing bien from the terrasses and the later curfew. That being said, it is nice to be home where there is no curfew and a lot more freedom in general. But it’s been weird.
Since so many people in this region of the US are vaccinated, things are slowly starting to get back to normal. Fewer people are wearing masks outdoors or even indoors, indoor dining is very common, and parties have been expanding beyond what seemed like a COVID-safe 8-10 people. It’s been a huge adjustment for me because I was so used to wearing my mask everywhere, not eating out, and being home by 7. A few days ago, Jack asked if I wanted to get ice cream. When I checked my watch and saw it was 7:45, I immediately thought, no, we can’t go. I feel less weird about curfew now, but I do find myself checking my watch a lot around 6/7. It’s less of a “I have to go home” mentality and more of an “everything is going to close so if we need any groceries or food we need to get it now” type mindset (because the mad rush to Carrefour at 6:45 was TOO real).
I’ve only gotten one of the two doses for the vaccine, but regardless, I still feel compelled to wear a mask all the time. In Avignon, even outside in the city center, people were wearing masks (though as it got warmer I noticed myself and others doing this a bit less). On top of that, the CDC just came out with new guidance about masks and vaccinated people. I guess it’s also because I don’t have a job right now, I’m not really leaving the house, so I’m wearing a mask a lot less. It kind of feels like I’m baring my soul.
Eating out is weird too. The notion of having to choose from a menu while a server is watching you is weirdly stressful after 5 months of not doing it. Yes, I ordered delivery, but that’s from the comfort of your own phone. You can change your order as many times as you want. I’ve eaten inside a couple of times (in well-ventilated restaurants, wearing my mask when not eating) and that’s been weird to get used to as well. It is comforting that in NYC, at least, everything is spaced out and separated by plexiglass. But I definitely prefer eating outside for now. It’s nice seeing how much New York and America in general have adapted to all this outdoor seating - I hope it stays around. It doesn’t necessarily look anything like Parisian café terraces, but it’s nice nonetheless.
It’s also been weird to no longer have a job. Even though I was only working twelve hours a week in France, with my commute, lesson planning time, and lunch with the teachers, it was three full days of work. Now my days are wide open. And I don’t have a ton of motivation because I don’t know what to do with my time. I’ve been trying to get back into reading after a three week break, and I’m getting back into the habit of exercising regularly. Another hard adjustment is going from living on my own in a compact city to living with my parents in the suburbs. Moving back in with your parents at 25 is a big change, but moving from a city with all the conveniences a five minute walk away to suburbs where everything requires a drive is weird in and of itself. I knew I was going to miss the markets of France, but I didn’t take into account that I’d also miss having a grocery store across the street. I could figure out what I wanted to make for dinner or lunch (or get takeaway by walking there) super last minute because everything was so close by. Here, I’ve been going grocery shopping once a week, driving there, and because it’s not only a hop, skip, and a jump away, I tend to buy for the week. It’s just a very different experience. I hope that wherever the next stage of life takes me, I am back in a city where I live within walking distance to a food store. And a farmer’s market.
I miss teaching a great deal, and hope my students are continuing with their English. One of the challenges to come will be making sure I stay in touch with all the teachers I worked with. I know they and the kids will appreciate hearing updates from me. Especially since I taught at such small schools, even next year when the kids are in a different class, the teachers will still be able to share updates with all of them. It was nice feeling in charge. In my previous job I was at the bottom of the totem pole (everyone has to start somewhere), but teaching, I was kind of the boss of 25-30 kids each class. As intimidating as it was at first, by the end I got very used to everyone looking up to me. And many of my classes gave me the cutest send-off, so I know I had some sort of impact on them.
The last thing I would be remiss to not mention is the friends I made. Especially towards the end of March/beginning of April, we had gotten into a very regular routine of hanging out all of the time. While it was exhausting at times (especially after so much time alone due to COVID), I got really used to my friends all living within walking distance, and if I ever needed a pal or some not-alone time, I could text someone to go for a walk. Now I spend most of my time with our dog, Gatsby. Not that I’m complaining - he’s great company. But it feels empty, especially because I don’t know when I’ll be able to see them all again (or if we’ll all ever be in the same place again). We were all perfect strangers in October, but by March, we were incredibly close after having gone through this crazy thing called living in a foreign country during a global pandemic. I am forever grateful for those friendships, and truly miss wine and cheese nights and dancing so hard the neighbors get angry.