On Comparison
I’ve been here two weeks today and it does kind of feel like time has flown. The saying “the days are long but the years are short” really only took meaning for me after college, and it is so real. Fewer tears and fewer times needing to call home or Jack to get myself out of a sadness spiral.
A lot of little sayings keep me grounded in times of transition. One day at a time is a favorite, as is everything happens for a reason, but another one that my sister reminded me of when I was talking about my crippling FOMO issue is “comparison is the thief of joy.” Joy seems to be something that we talk about a lot more, thanks to Marie Kondo. But her MO is about getting rid of stuff to make space for more joy in your life (an approach I do agree with to an extent). But this idea of comparison being at the root of many of my complaints and woes really spoke to me, and is one I have been keeping in mind while off on this adventure alone.
I struggle with comparing myself to others to a fault. I obsess over what my friends in other cities are doing on weekends, who they are hanging out with, how happy they seem based on the lie of social media. I compare myself to how others look, what they wear, their career or academic success. But I am at a point in my life where what I am doing isn’t really comparable to anyone else. Other than the friends I’ve made so far and the mutual connections I have partaking in TAPIF, no one I know is doing something like this, so to compare myself to everyone back home sert à rien.
While FOMO has definitely become less of a thing for me during the pandemic, I do still feel it at times. In France I find myself comparing what I am doing to what others are doing, or thinking about my life before I left and missing it. I am trying to work instead on reframing the thought into reminding myself what a great opportunity this is, and how cool is it that I don’t have to work on Wednesdays? It’s a weird adjustment, but it’ll get easier with time. Instead of comparing myself to the other assistants and their backgrounds, I need to let myself just get to know people in time. I could spend time thinking about what my family is doing without me, but the reality is things are the same as they were before I left.
On the other hand, comparison can also be a good thing too when not used to determine self worth. For example, I am trying to be conscious about recognizing how things are different here than in the US but that doesn’t make them bad (one notable example is grocery stores and how there’s not a prepared food section which I am embarrassed to admit I got a lot of my meals from when living in Boston). Growing up, my mom always reminded us that different isn’t right or wrong, it’s just different. I keep this in mind as I observe how French classrooms are set up unlike American classrooms, and how French kids seem to be better behaved than American kids. I can appreciate these differences for being different, but I am trying to be conscious not to think of one as better than the other.
All this to say that I am still adjusting, but I am finding if I focus on the here and now instead of what’s going on back home, it helps a lot. I am working on reading the news less, especially in comparing COVID situations between France and the US. This morning I erased all news alerts from my phone before even reading them, and I would call that growth. I also find myself jumping to American podcasts less and trying to explore French music (my listening skills are not yet calibrated to the level of podcasts in French… but I hope to get there). I’ve been here two weeks, but I feel miles from how I felt when I arrived here two Fridays ago and couldn’t stop questioning what I’d done.
Some more observations here that I would like to share:
- French school children are better behaved in the age groups I am working with (6-9), but I think this is due to the teachers taking a different stance with them (I.e. the teacher does not treat the kids are her equal)
- It’s hard to say if food is cheaper here because I am not in a major metro area like I was in New York/Boston, but I am able to get a really freaking delicious baguette sandwich from a chain bakery for 3,50 and that is a steal in my opinion
- Compared to my experience with Parisians, the people here, if they respond to me in English, it is not to take a jab at me but simply to help me. They do it with a kind smile and often will jump back into French if I respond in French
- I know the US is getting better at eating seasonally, but here it just feels more natural. The way they cook food, consume food, shop for food. I find myself going to the local markets every few days to get fresh veggies. And since tax is already included it’s not like I’m wasting money
- I walked into a little cafe/bar in L’Isle-sur-la-Sorgue yesterday on the pretense that there would be live music played by an American (I had been to this same cafe on Tuesday afternoon for a drink and the bartender told me this). There was no live music, but instead a group of regulars drinking coffee and glasses of rose at the ripe hour of 10:30 in the morning. No one seemed to have anywhere to rush off to, they were laughing and singing along to the radio, and despite being initially confused what I, a non-regular, was doing there, they didn’t seem to let it stop them from continuing what appeared to be their morning ritual. Witnessing this brought me joy and peace, to experience something so different from the hustle and bustle of commuters in Boston rushing to their office jobs.
Thank you for reading all the way to the end - my musings on comparison and my observations as I adjust to la vie française.
