On Confinement
When confinement was announced, I decided to start a journal of each day - what I did, how I felt, what I missed. It wasn’t full fledged journaling because truthfully I wasn’t ready to make that commitment, but I thought it would be interesting to write a little bit each day. Things have obviously changed since the beginning of confinement - I started to see people, restrictions were loosened yesterday, and I adjusted. But I wanted to share it with the blog world because it is really cool to see how much I grew in 30 days. It’s long, but if you get through it, thank you!
Day 1: Today was a challenge. I had a hard time motivating to get out of bed knowing I had zero plans for the day. Once I did, I ended up having the time of my life discovering all the goodies at the French grocery store, and ate my leftover Domino’s in utter happiness. Jack and I also watched a movie using Teleparty and even though it wasn’t the same as being in person, it was quite special.
Day 2: A horrible night’s sleep filled with anxiety-ridden dreams about confinement (not about being bored, but about getting caught without an attestation… classic me being a rule-follower). I got out of bed before noon though, and ate a nice little French breakfast of baguette with a million different spreads. I unpacked, did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, applied to a law school, and worked on blog posts. I facetimed with a bunch of people which passed the time really quickly too. It’s crazy how quickly an hour goes by on FaceTime…. I also made myself a somewhat real dinner of a premade galette, cheese, ham, and egg, but this was a start.
Day 3: I went outside today. It was a really good idea. I also had a better night’s sleep filled with fewer anxiety dreams. I decided to read this morning while I waited for the east coast to get up and it was a great idea. I’m hoping soon I’ll be in a better place where I can also exercise in the mornings, but honestly, today was Sunday, confinement or not. Made myself another real galette dinner and also had the life changing thought of mixing jam and ice cream. Don’t knock it till you try it, because fresh raspberry jam with dark chocolate ice cream is a truly delicious experience.
Day 4: I had a great morning of motivating to exercise and feeling at peace. Then I missed the bus for my first day of teaching. It was fine because French people are very laid back BUT I felt very badly. Also, teaching didn’t go well. Even though I’m an assistant, the teachers did nothing - they sat there grading papers. I did engage in some retail therapy to get some kitchen stuff for my barren AirBnB, which helped a little.
Day 5: I moved my body today doing some pilates and it really helped ground me. I felt myself spiraling in the middle of the day as usual, but school today was incredible. The teachers were so helpful, caring, and nice. It was like they were happy to have me there. Then I came home and didn’t pay attention to the election for my mental health and made two bowls of pasta. A win for a Tuesday.
Day 6: Began with feeling like a dystopian Christmas waiting to check the news at 8 am my time. With nothing conclusive I went back to sleep for three hours, only to be awoken by my phone ringing with an unfamiliar French number. It was DHL with the incredibly generous care package from Jack. I ran outside in slippers and PJs, only to not have exact change and have to run into a bakery to buy a baguette to get change. All made for an eventful morning and the excitement kept me fairly distracted for the rest of an otherwise uneventful Wednesday waiting for election results.
Day 7: Woke up at a normal hour (making progress folks!!) and went for a run and fell even more in love with France than I already am. Started to get emotional at the prospect of having to leave this country in the event the schools close and of course grew emotional. So then I went to actual school and finally had real confidence teaching. It felt good. Then I actually cooked myself something for dinner using the stove and that also felt nice. Can’t believe it’s been a week in reconfinement and I’m doing okay!
Day 8: I treated myself to an iced coffee and pastry this morning because I made it through a week in confinement and couldn’t have been happier. I went for a walk with the German assistant and had an interesting discussion about the Holocaust vis-a-vis systemic racism and it was really interesting. And then I had a freaking LOVELY wine and movie night via FaceTime with Jack. Technology has come so far.
Day 9: I slept in since it was Saturday and caught myself feeling a little down at the prospect of an empty weekend. I went to the indoor market near me and my mood changed completely. It was so nice to see so many people out and about. And of course the news about Biden changed everything. But I was quite upset I couldn’t celebrate there. I’m in a small city in France. Even if people realized, there was no jubilant honking and dancing in the streets. I stayed off of social media all night.
Day 10: Today I woke up and went on social media. Bad idea. I was sad again. So then I stuck to my original plan of ironing as a domestic goddess. I jail-broke and went to lunch at the house of a mutual friend and felt a renewed happiness to be here. It was the most typical French lunch with all the courses, different wines, no phones, and lots of laughs. I then went on a run and carried the high I felt from lunch and Biden winning. Endorphins really change everything.
Day 11: Today was okay. The teachers at this school are very unhelpful and uninterested in my presence. I asked one to help me with a skit for the class, and she literally responded that she doesn’t speak any English and went back to grading. Needless to say I might be needing to speak to some higher ups. Some of the other classes went okay, but I truly feel like it’s a mixed bag. One teacher didn’t contribute anything except to correct my pronunciation and to show me the ten page curriculum I’m supposed to be teaching (with 30 minutes a week. Hah). But I went home and cooked a lot which made me feel better. There’s something about cooking your own meals that is very fulfilling I find. I felt like I was back in Boston, meal prepping for a week of work.
Day 12: I had trouble motivating to work out today but I tried to remind myself this would happen regardless of where I was. School was pretty good. I went early and had lunch with some of the teachers and lesson planned with them. One of the teachers told me what game she wanted to play and I got it all set up and ready. Once I got to class the kids went wild and she freaked out at me, telling me they couldn’t handle it. I was pretty upset and frustrated because I have ZERO training, so how was I supposed to know playing a simple card game would wreak havoc? She later apologized, but this honestly feels like a repeating theme of the teachers thinking we’re fully trained when we’re really just assistants. One of the other teachers, though, told me my confidence has improved when teaching and it’s really good. Then I went home and as I was talking to Jack I got pretty upset once again that this year is not shaping up to be how it’s supposed to be. While I’d say I’m doing fine most days, not so great on some, I’m not necessarily thriving or having fun in the way things were supposed to go. I know this pandemic has upended a lot of people’s plans and lives. It’s not easy. And of course, as I’m about to break down, right outside my apartment building I see a live rat scurry under a sewer and a dead rat just out front. I fully panicked and couldn’t move. I was hyperventilating on the phone as Jack tried to call me down. I walked past the rat (I do think this was exacerbated by the darkness outside). But then I was honestly in such a big funk the rest of the night.
Day 13: The rats are consuming most of my waking thoughts. I asked the landlord if it was normal, to which he responded no and I should call the mayor’s office. Which I did. Of course they were unavailable as it was a holiday. I really tried to put them out of my mind and went for a VERY long run. It was honestly amazing. But then I didn’t want to go back to my apartment, and once I did I didn’t want to leave. Alas. I started to puzzle, cooked some more, and read about doing nothing. Not a total wash of a Wednesday, but I do wish I had spent less time dwelling on the rats.
Day 14: Today was a tough day. The rats were still here. I had an okay day at school overall, and loved going to town early to stop by the market. I was apprehensive in the morning due to a runaround with the mayor’s office, but met an American at a bakery who invited me to American Thanksgiving, which lifted my spirts a smidge. However, when I got home at night, the rats were still there. I broke down crying to Jack on the phone, feeling sad and exhausted. This isn’t easy. It’s not just living abroad. It’s living abroad in a pandemic, alone. I spend so much time trying to stay positive that I forget how hard it is, and last night the exhaustion hit me.
Day 15: Today was a day to get shit done. Read: get rid of the rats. At first I thought I could do it if I had the moral support of an assistant friend. No. We both freaked. So we asked some guy walking by. He acted like he was picking up his dog’s poop - easy. I am very grateful to him. I had a chill day, working on my puzzle (finished the edges), made myself American brunch, and got a great pizza and even greater homemade snickers bar for dessert.
Day 16: I really need to be better about getting out of bed at normal hours. Today I woke up at 10 but just hung out until 12. It’s okay though because I actually had a really productive Saturday and felt better about things. It always feels good to check things off. Also, the cheeses I bought on Thursday are amazing, which definitely helps. And I went for a great run.
Day 17: I interacted with humans today! I woke up on the earlier side (9:40), and popped around the market to get cooking supplies. Then I went to the British assistants’ house and we made fajitas. It was truly lovely. Then I went home and puzzled for a bit and then took a good old siesta. Then I went over to Akshun’s gorgeous apartment with his very friendly roommates and we cooked and almost fully forgot about confinement. It was awesome.
Day 18: Today I had to go to Marseille for my medical visit in order to complete the immigration process. I had to wake up at 5:45 AM but it was worth it because I got to see the sea, get Starbucks (aka iced coffee and a breakfast sandwich!), Steak and Shake, and see Kristin! It was really nice to explore a new city and also to be in a really big city. The doctor’s office was okay because French people are really judgy about mental health. But exploring, walking along the ocean, eating milkshakes, and catching up with a familiar face were all great. I went on a golden hour run back in Avignon and had a chill evening.
Day 19: I felt weirdly lonely for most of today. I guess it’s not weird seeing as I’m living alone in a foreign country with no real support network but regardless, the loneliness hit harder today. I woke up and had my usual breakfast of toasted baguette, half with nutella and clementine jam, other half with butter and raspberry jam. School was really good - my lessons went well, kids were engaged, and I felt confident. I went home and made some dinner though I definitely think I undercooked a sausage. And I watched a lot of The Crown - it’s so freaking good.
Day 20: How do I get myself to motivate earlier when I have nothing going on? This is the eternal issue of confinement. I woke up at 10, laid in bed till 11, then I just kind of vegged around till 2. At that point I was like okay Mal you have a day off. Get moving. So I decided to clean my bathroom. First time cleaning a bathroom at 24, I am ashamed to admit. I went for a run and ran into some assistants on my run which was a pleasant surprise. Then I went grocery shopping as I had plans to make pasta with another assistant tonight. As usual, I went to each of the specialty stores. It takes longer but it’s so enjoyable. Also, everything’s better quality because that store specializes in one thing. Then I began cooking. Honestly, cooking in this kitchen isn’t the easiest as I have no measuring implements. The pasta was good but not the MOST flavorful - I think I need to let it simmer for longer. Also, I undercooked it at first and the assistant I was with was shook. Way different from the roast chicken he made us on Sunday. But overall it was a nice evening and I was proud of myself for going out of my comfort zone.
Day 21: Today was not my best. Though the teachers let me eat lunch with them at this school, they don’t really make me part of the conversation because they speak so quickly. They also don’t lesson plan with me like Tuesday’s school. Honestly, this made teaching tough. I feel like the teachers are silently judging me as I flounder up there, but no one offers me any help. I think I need to tell them I have no clue what I’m doing and I need their help. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, and the answer is always no unless you ask. Also, I seem to have hurt my ankle/calf. I think I was running and walking too much and not stretching enough. So last night I went home and iced / elevated / rested (no compression though, sad) and watched the Crown. I also bought some fancy truffle salt that I’ve started to put on everything.
Day 22: Today I had a relaxing morning working on my puzzle, and then went to the school I normally go to on Mondays. Teaching actually went quite well. Even though the teachers are very uninvolved at this school, I could tell my confidence was increasing. I stopped by the bakery where the American woman who invited me to Thanksgiving works (her and her French husband own it - he is the main baker). She invited me back to see where the magic happens and their beautiful dog was there! He was adorable. Then I went home to cook myself a delicious dinner, only to get invited to an impromptu wine and cheese night right after I put everything in the oven. The wine and cheese night was lovely and really made me feel like we weren’t in confinement. After, Jack and I continued our weekly tradition of watching a movie together - Ocean’s Eleven this time.
Day 23: I slept in a bit, and then met some people to grab coffee and walk around. We walked around a cemetery, which was gorgeous. All the tombs are above ground here so it’s quite beautiful. I also introduced the two assistants I was with to Les Halles, my happy place. They loved it as well. We actually walked a ton, so I went home and napped and ate the dinner I was cooking the night before. I had plans to go to a small gathering that night at the assistant’s apartment. I got all dressed up since having plans was very exciting, and had a really lovely time speaking French and learning French drinking games.
Day 24: Today I slept really late, and had a very relaxing day. My legs have been hurting I think since I’ve been moving and on my feet so much more than I was in quarantine in the States, so it was nice to relax. I also ordered McDonald’s on UberEats and was very content with my decision. Worked on some applications for law school and a blog post and just really relaxed. And I finished my puzzle! A successful Sunday.
Day 25: Mondays are not my favorite day because everything in Avignon (and a lot of things in L’Isle-sur-la-Sorgue) are closed, so it feels kind of like a ghost town. Also, the school I teach at is the least involved/supportive/helpful/friendly. But I felt good about this week’s lesson. The weather has been getting colder too which is not ideal since I got so used to the lovely 60 degree fall, but I guess it was bound to happen eventually. It was all around a decently relaxing day after teaching, and even though I got a little lonely in the evening, I remembered there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Day 26: Today I woke up early and remembered once again the importance of buying fresh bread. My baguette from Friday was ROCK HARD. But I toasted it and it was still fine. I was in such a good mood listening to happy tunes on my way to the bus, and bought myself a very cheap and VERY delicious classic French sandwich where the baguette was still warm (ham, swiss, butter). I love the teachers at this school because we have such interesting conversations at lunch and they really make me part of the discussion. They’re just really nice. I also felt really good about today’s lesson because talking about Thanksgiving was fascinating. The kids were kind of confused by it. Even though I hate Thanksgiving food I enjoyed explaining it to them. Then I went home and watched an entire season of television while eating some cozy soup. Oops. But it really is so nice having a mid-week day off. It just takes the edge off haha.
Day 27: Today I woke up weirdly early for my day off and had a relaxing morning of drinking tea and reading an entire book in one sitting. Then I deep cleaned my apartment which was so nice and it felt good to be productive. Afterward I went for a walk with a couple of assistants around the city walls. I never walked the length of the city walls so it was pretty cool to see some new parts. I had a very relaxing evening as well, which was a stark contrast to years past when normally this evening is spent reuniting with friends from high school at the local bars.
Day 28: I somehow didn’t hear my alarm but still got up on time, I just didn’t have time to put on makeup (which I decided to do later in a public park outside and got a lot of stares. Whatever). I got to my town, picked up some wine for the kind strangers (an American and her French husband) who were hosting me for Thanksgiving that night. School was good because I decided to be very aggressive with the teachers in telling them they needed to actually help me plan the lesson instead of just grading papers. After, I went to the American woman’s house (she picked me up from school - I felt like I had gone back ten years). We had mojitos while her 16-year-old daughter and daughter’s boyfriend made some of the best mashed potatoes I’ve ever had. Her husband came home to work on the turkey and I chopped day old baguette for the stuffing (they own a boulangerie/pâtisserie). Normally, they have over about 30 Anglophones and everyone brings a dish. This was the first year they had made everything themselves. It was all delicious and some of the best Thanksgiving food I’ve ever had. We drank a local Chateauneuf-de-Pape, her 14-year-old daughter sassed her parents while studying for a math test (since they had school the next day), and it felt really nice to be among a family. For all the differences between les Français and Americans, there are a lot of similarities. It was a good way to spend what would have been an otherwise lonely holiday, and I’m grateful that some strangers were kind and brave enough to welcome me into their home.
Day 29: I had told my hostess I usually woke up at 8:30 so I’d be able to see her before she went to work. I did not take into account the blackout curtains in the room, the wine, or the tryptophan in turkey. I woke up at 10 and stopped by the bakery to say goodbye, and she gave me a giant tupperware of leftovers. I was so happy. Then I headed back to Avignon, met up with a friend and got some empanadas for lunch. So freaking good. I took a nap, went on another walk with another assistant and drank some vin chaud she whipped up, and then we had an impromptu wine and pizza night. It was awesome. I am starting to feel really content in Avignon and it’s an awesome feeling.
Day 30: I slept in (what a joy it is to be able to do this four days a week and not have alarms!). Then I went to a discount grocery store that was a bit of a ways away with a friend. We loaded up on provisions for Friendsgiving later, and also found a DELICIOUS boulangerie. Probably my favorite bread yet. I went home, made baked mac and cheese from scratch and without measuring things (I’ve come so far), and went to Friendsgiving. It was me and three other American assistants. We had a roast chicken instead of turkey and gumbo instead of sweet potatoes but man it was delicious. I could not have been happier. We had wine, lots of cheese and bread, and delicious pumpkin bread. Then I went home, very full and content.
This seems like a fitting place to end my Captain’s Log not only because some restrictions are lifting, but also because I no longer feel like I want to go home or like the difficulty of isolation is unbearable. I have made friends and a community here in Avignon, and I have gotten to know some of my teachers as well. This is by no means the experience I planned on having, but it’s an amazing one nonetheless.
