On Leaving America at her Worst Time
When I left for France on October 1, it felt like I was escaping the macro-level problems going on in my home country. I have never been a huge fan of America. I like it enough and it’s my home and all that, but I have truly always liked other countries better (acknowledging that they have multitudes of problems as well). But I felt a certain guilt leaving the place I was born and raised as she was currently battling the most massive dumpster fire ever. The combination of a worldwide pandemic, of which we had no real plan to manage it, a tyrannical and stupid president, and a long overdue reckoning with systemic racism and our ingrained biases all meant America was in trouble.
While it’s hard to say I left at the worst time, seeing as I’ve been on this earth for a mere 25ish years, it did feel like, in my lifetime, this was rock bottom. Part of me did not want to move to France, and fulfill my lifelong dream. Part of me felt like I was taking an easy way out - by leaving, I would be removing myself from the nonstop 24-hour bad news cycle. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, yes, but also - out of sight, out of mind. If I wasn’t in the states, I knew it would be harder to feel close to the issues we as Americans currently faced.
I had all of these thoughts, but I came to France anyway. I knew, on the one hand, that I wouldn’t be wholly escaping. 90% of my Instagram and Facebook feed is American. Anything that happens, I see replayed on people’s Instagram stories over and over again. And also, contrary to what a lot of people said to me before I left, the situation isn’t much better here. With respect to coronavirus, yes, in some respects it is better. Arriving in October I did feel a certain tranquility knowing I was moving to a nation who had a halfway effective president and a strategy to mitigate the virus. However, with respect to systemic racism, police brutality, right-wing nationalism, and global warming (just to name a few of 2020’s greatest hits), those problems exist in France too. In different ways, yes. At differing levels of severity (cough, cough, global warming and sustainability), definitely.
Moreover, I really did think we had hit rock bottom. When I left in October, I was excited for a break from constantly just seeing us, once believed to be the greatest world power, screwing things up. With respect to COVID, I wasn’t even close. It is truly insane to look at the numbers in the US compared to France, and still see that people in the states are acting like life isn’t that different. Here I am in France, which is only at around 55% ICU capacity right now, and they still implemented a 6 pm curfew. The difference is staggering.
But on this Martin Luther King Jr., Day, I also want to mention the events that unfolded at the Capitol. I honestly thought I couldn’t be shocked anymore. When I studied abroad in 2017, I was used to people making fun of me for having Trump as a president. At that point, a lot of people asked me I had voted for him. I think we had no idea what was about to hit us, and most people didn’t think it was the craziest thing on earth to vote for him. While I was insulted people would even think I’d vote for him, I also realized France and Switzerland had not seen the same election coverage I had. They weren’t sure what to expect.
Being here four years later, after four years of this nonsense, it’s a very different attitude. People do not ask me if I voted for him (because I honestly think if they thought the answer was anything other than absolutely not, they’d be terrified). People were somber in the days following election day, praying alongside me for a good outcome. And the morning after white supremacists stormed the US Capitol to undermine the election results in a free and fair democracy, my teachers were speechless out of shock. I felt guilty and helpless being on the other side of the Atlantic as Americans were watching the fabric of their country tear apart in front of them.
While it sucks that I am far from my support network of people I can talk to about the insanity that takes place fairly regularly in America these days, I do try to remember that it is a very interesting perspective I am receiving. Witnessing French people’s opinions and reactions to the current clown show that is the US sometimes feels like I’m watching it through children’s eyes, which is always an interesting viewpoint to have. Additionally, I have the added benefit of honestly being able to take a break from the incessant reporting that so fatigued me when I was home. For example, during the election, because I was six hours ahead, it was fairly easy for me to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I knew I wouldn’t see anything promising for a while, so I didn’t loose a ton of sleep. I care more about France’s COVID case numbers because that is what immediately affects me - watching the astronomical rise in America comes as an afterthought.
Perhaps most importantly, just because I was leaving the country did not mean I was removing myself from the ongoing work to combat systemic racism in America and educate myself on my biases and unlearn the falsehoods I was taught. In addition to continuing my own work on America’s issues with respect to race, I am also learning about France’s issues with systemic racism. I feel even more compelled to keep up my reeducation being further away, because I do not want the cliché of out of sight, out of mind to come true. Luckily, we live in a world where there are many ways to still keep informed. Social media is a great resource, as is using Libby to check out books.
I need to remind myself that just because I left the country at an odd time does not mean I’m giving up on her. It doesn’t mean I’m giving up my citizenship. I may not be terribly proud to be associated with the US right now, but I also acknowledge that I am part of the problem and need to be part of the solution.